Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize