You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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