Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
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