Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
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