I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
