Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
