perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
