Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
