Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
