Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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