Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
