my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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