i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
