she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
