I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
You have to summon your inner elephant
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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