Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
