Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
