Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
