How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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