Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
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