Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Randomize
