Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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