I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
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