I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
