I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Randomize
