Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
