I feel great
I just peed on a car
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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