I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
