So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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