This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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