I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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