i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
