Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
