she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
