I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
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