Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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