If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
