Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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