i already hear my dad disowning me
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
