I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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