What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
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