Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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