Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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