If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize