I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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