apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
Randomize
