Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
