I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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