Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
