Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
