After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
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