I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
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