So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
All the doctor said was why
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
