Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
