I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
