it's too hot outside to masturbate.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
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