I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
